Into the sunset
by tessinciucy
Summary: Tag to the episode Unwritten Law. How did Deeks really react to Hetty taking his bike away? Was he ok with that? A conversation with his partner will clear his head.


I wrote this one as a tag of the episode Unwritten Rule some time ago, but for a series of different reasons, I never posted it.

Now, thanks to purecraziness who managed to make it read-able to you all, it's time to do it. All the mistakes you can find are mine and mine only.

As always, I don't own NCISLA or any of its characters (sadly...)

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Into the sunset

Kensi was worried, plain and simple. It was Saturday afternoon and she hadn't heard from her partner since yesterday night, when she had driven him home after the whole team had spent the evening out celebrating the wrap up of the case.

Deeks had been quiet the entire night and even when she had left him at his apartment, he hadn't even invited her in. She had taken that as a sign of tiredness after a tough day, but maybe there was something more. Something that she couldn't put a finger on.

She checked her phone hoping to find a message or a missed call that she might not hear, but she found nothing. An alarm bell rang in her head, reminding her of those long weeks in which he took time away from everything and from everyone, even from her, when he was trying to deal with the ordeal he went through.

Kensi was aware that he was not 100% himself, she could read the signs in his behavior, but she thought that at least he was doing better, that he was moving in the right direction. What could have happened to push him back into isolation? What was going through his mind?

The thought sent shivers down her spine as she felt a sense of loneliness, of failure that chilled her from the inside.

Instinctively she grabbed her phone and called him again, for the umpteenth time, but once again, she didn't get any answer. She was ready to go to his apartment when she tried one last time to send him a text, even if she didn't have high hopes.

_Deeks, please. Answer me. Are you ok? Come on, it's me… talk to me. _

She typed, sitting on the couch, holding the phone like it was her best friend, the most precious thing, her life savior.

A buzz made her jump on her feet since she didn't expect him to text her back.

_Beach._

A simple word. Nothing more, but she knew where he was now and she definitely knew he was not ok. In a rush she moved to grab her car keys, but she needed just a look at her clock to realize that it would take her too long to get to the beach if she took her SRX, so she picked up the key to the motorcycle and stormed out of her apartment.

The moment she arrived to what she knew was his favorite spot, Kensi cast a concerned glance at the beach, looking desperately for the familiar figure of her partner. It took her a few minutes, but then she finally caught a glimpse of him and what she saw almost shocked her.

Deeks was wearing the same clothes he was wearing the day before, his shoulders were hunched under a heavy weight that was clearly burdening him and all of his figure, his posture, was silently screaming for help.

The closer she got, the more she realized how worse things had gotten. There were dark circles under his tired eyes and even if only a day had passed, his stubble seemed thicker, unkempt. In a simple word, he looked like crap.

Kensi was aware that her presence had been noted, but her partner didn't move a single muscle or say a single word. He kept looking in front of him, eyes locked on the ocean, even if his gaze was lost in the air. She sat beside him, her shoulder gently brushing his, sending an electrical discharge through her body.

She couldn't deny the fact that he always had this effect on her, that being in the close proximity of his body was almost unsettling for her.

_Of course it's unsettling_, she told herself as she engaged in a conversation with herself. _He kissed you and poured his heart to you. He told you that you were everything that got him through the torture, that you were the only thing that kept him alive during those terrible and long hours in Sidorov's hands._ Kensi tried to shake herself from her own thoughts, focusing on her partner and his well-being, focusing on the reason why she was here, why he was here.

"Hey," she greeted him, poking him with her shoulder, but she didn't receive any answer. "Deeks…"

"It wasn't a death wish or an unnecessary risk," he finally said out of nowhere. His voice sounded feeble and lost.

"What? What are you talking about?" she wondered, trying to read between the lines. She had the feeling that what he was holding in was something important, something that made him very uneasy, something that was probably burdening him. Something that was affecting his road to a complete recovery.

Silence. He didn't talk, just sat there, completely still.

Kensi laid a hand on his arm that was resting on his bent knees and saw him shiver under her touch, like he was scared. "Deeks, it's me. Talk to me, please. You're scaring me."

He attempted to get up but she stopped him, grabbing his wrist and forcing him to look at her straight in the eyes.

She was not ready to see the deep sorrow in his ocean blue orbs, the sadness in his expression. "Please, Deeks, tell me what's bothering you."

"I… I shouldn't have given my bike back, I should have fought to keep her… I…" he couldn't go on and the words died in his throat.

The bike? Kensi was confused. Was it really about the bike? It couldn't be. There must be something more. "But you couldn't do otherwise. It's the rule. Hetty's rule."

"Oh hell to the rule, Kensi! It was the first time in… a lifetime that I felt like I was finally doing something for myself, that I was finally free, that I didn't have anything bad running through my head. And now… now I'm here, I'm still here with these crazy thoughts crowding my mind and I am scared that I could go back there, that the memories could resurface." His hand moved tentatively and instinctively towards his mouth, a gesture that had become sadly familiar to him. Every time he was nervous, every time he got anxious, he felt the need to be sure that everything was fine with his mouth, that nothing bad had happened again. Most of the times he didn't even realize he was doing it until he had just started the movement and he forced himself to stop.

Kensi took his hand in hers, knowing exactly what he was doing. "Deeks, you don't need the bike to feel free from the memories. You know you can do it without using the bike as an excuse."

"No! This is where you are wrong. Don't misunderstand me, I know that it's not the bike that can make me feel better. It was not a death wish, which I don't have, by the way, but when I don't have anything to think about, anything to concentrate on, my mind travels to dark places, places I would easily like to forget about." He paused, looking at his partner with veiled eyes, feeling his heart beating madly in his chest. "I am a mess, Kens… last night when you drove me home, I wanted to go straight to bed, to go to sleep, but as I tried to do it, I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was suffocating. And I… I…"

"You had a flashback." She said, finishing the sentence for him.

"Yeah, I did. I… I haven't had one in weeks. I thought I was getting better, I thought that I was finally back to being me, but I was wrong. I was so damn wrong!" Frustration was clear in his words. "Damn it, I thought I was finally in control, but… but…" His hands started shaking and he couldn't do anything to stop them, because it simply made things worse.

"Hey, it's ok and it's normal," she told him gently, trying to calm him down.

His reaction was more vehement than he intended it to be. "NO! It's not ok, Kens! I hate this! I hate that I am not myself. Hell, it's my job to protect you, not the other way around." He turned his face away, unable to look at her in her eyes, too ashamed of himself, of his weakness. "I can't even protect myself. Look at me…"

Kensi could see his hands tremble as he showed them to her and it broke her heart. "Deeks, you've been through a lot, it's understandable that you are not ok at this point. I am surprised you did this good so far. Just take your time, things will get better."

"And what if they won't? What if Callen won't want me on the team and then neither will Hetty. And… I… I am not so sure if I want to go back to LAPD. Maybe, it's really time to quit because being like this, I won't be able to do any good for anyone. I think I would be a danger for everyone around me, for the team, for the other people… for you." His last words had been said with a feeble voice, using that mellow tone that Kensi found almost irresistible.

"Don't talk like this. You know it's not true. Just the fact that you're admitting that you have a problem is a good starting point."

"Yeah, Nate told me that too," he stated without thinking too much, instinctively.

"Really?" She lifted her eyebrow, curiously. "And what else did he tell you?"

Deeks' eyes were locked on his partner's and they were unable to hide his discomfort, his uneasiness as she asked the question. _Right, what are you going to tell her? Come on, show me how can you get out of this situation…_ he told himself, biting his lip nervously. "Other stuff... like how to face all the things that are running through my mind."

Kensi looked at him. She could read him too well to not realize that he was not telling her everything. "And what's running through your mind?" She pushed him. When she saw him tense, she was sure that there was much more to what he was telling her. "Deeks, listen, talking is a good way to relieve the burden from your shoulders. If you don't, you…" she paused when his eyes widened, filled with fear, with panic. "You are back to not sleeping very well, aren't you?"

The cop shook his head, bowing it and then he closed his eyes. "I sleep better than before, but not as good as when you're there with me…"

His words shocked her, once again, her partner was sending her signals, telling her things that she was not ready to hear, that she was afraid to hear. Words to which she didn't know how to reply. "Deeks, I…"

Deeks lifted his head so his eyes were staring at the sky. "Kensi, it's… I know, ok. I know." Once again, he tried to get up, to get away from the situation that was increasing his level of anxiety. "I understand…" He stood and moved his feet backwards, unable to take his gaze away from her.

"Deeks, wait!" She got up abruptly, catching up with him. "Please, don't leave…" She looked straight into his ocean blue orbs, almost losing herself into them. "You know that… that you can always count on me. If you need me there for you to sleep better, you just have to ask. You know that I am just a phone call away."

He tried to reply but her stare was mesmerizing. "I… I don't want to be a burden, Kens. I don't want you to come to my place because I can't solve my issues. I don't want you to babysit me!"

She grabbed his arm, with strength. Man he was so frustrating! He was as stubborn as he was proud, not a great combination. "Deeks, you're my partner…" she stopped. _Again with the partners excuse?_ She reflected silently, licking her lips with her tongue. "You're my best friend and I would do anything to help you, no matter what, I am here for you. I would never leave you alone if you needed help."

"But you did…" the cop whispered, his voice filled with sadness.

It was like someone had stabbed her in the heart. Kensi shut her eyes, biting her lower lip. "Deeks, you know that I couldn't do otherwise, I had to leave you there." Memories of the moment, when she found him in that car shop, tied to that chair, bloodied… when she thought she had lost him, flashed in front of her and for a second she thought she couldn't breathe. She still remembered his pleading voice as he begged for her to cut him loose, to get him out of that place. She had never seen him so defenseless, so broken… so lost. It will be a memory she will have with her for a long, long time. "We had to leave you and Sam there to allow Michelle to go with Sidorov and…"

"I'm not talking about that. I am talking about when you left me after I kissed you…"

And here they were. The moment she was avoiding for so long. The elephant in the room was out, not as she had planned though. She imagined talking about the kiss in a more quiet and romantic way, not because he was still so messed up that he needed answers so desperately. "You know I couldn't do otherwise, that I had to stay with Michelle…" She looked at him just in time to see his blue eyes veil with tears, filled with disappointment and sadness. "But it was the best thing that had happened to me in a long time," she rushed to add, because she hated seeing him so hurt and broken once again. Her hand found his and held it tightly. "You're a wonderful and amazing man, Deeks. You deserve all the happiness in this world, you deserve simply the best. When you kissed me, I was startled because it was something I… something that probably I wanted too. We were doing an operation, it was not the right moment to talk about these kind of things, about our feelings. I wanted to talk to you later that night, but then… well, then hell broke loose and the next time I saw you, you were there in that bloody chair and I thought you were dead and… I was terrified…" She had tears in her eyes, unshed tears that wanted to find their way out but she was fighting so hard. "Leaving you there was the hardest thing I have ever done and it broke my heart, because I knew you only wanted to get away from that damn place. Then… at the ER, you… you didn't even look at me and I thought you were mad at me, that you hated me… that…"

Deeks guided her towards his chest, holding her in his arms. "I can't hate you, Kensi. You're… you're everything I have ever wanted. You…"

"I got you through…" she murmured, lifting her head and staring at him, locking her mismatched eyes into his blue ones.

"Yeah, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here. I would have broken…" It was his turn to cry now, as he was shaking, as his mind brought him back to that dusty place while the drill went into his mouth.

"You made it because you're stronger than even you imagined. You made it, because you're loyal, because you care so much." Once again she took his hand in hers to make him feel that she was there for him, for real.

"I am not strong, not at all… he said, he said I was weak…"

Kensi was startled not understanding what he was talking about. "Deeks, who said that?"

"Sidorov… he told Sam that I was the weak one. And he was right. If he was here, he would laugh at me, at how pathetic I am…"

She brought her finger to his lips, silencing him. "Ssshhh, stop! You are not weak. You never were and never will be." She placed the palm of her hand on his chest, feeling his accelerated heartbeat. "This heart makes you everything but weak. It makes you the man you are." She gave him a kind smile and her whole expression softened. "I know that you see everything as dark right now, but just look at how much progress you have made. Things will get better, I am sure of it. You only have to believe it."

"Will you… will you be with me? Will you help me?" It cost him a lot, but he was literally begging her to stay by his side, to get him through once again.

"You don't even need to ask. You're my… my best friend, my…" she hesitated, unsure this was the right moment to open her heart to him.

Her indecision brought a cunning grin to his lips. "Thanks. I… I know it's not the perfect time. I am still too messed up. There's not enough love in my heart, sadly there's too much fear, too much darkness, but knowing that… that you're here, well that means the world to me. You are my light, my… my everything."

Kensi felt a tight knot clenching her stomach hearing his statement. "I want this _thing_ we have to work but maybe you're right, maybe you need to find yourself, but don't ask me to stay away from you because I don't have any intention to. I will be here, waiting for you. If you want to take it slow, I will take it slow. If you want to stay alone for a while, I can respect that, but remember that I will always be here for you. Always."

"You know you're amazing…" He pulled her into his embrace, taking strength in the simple gesture. Kensi had been her anchor until this moment, she had kept him sane and didn't allow him to drift away. He would never be able to thank her enough for what she did for him, even if most of the times she didn't even know she was doing it.

"No, I'm not…"

"Oh trust me, you are. And I'm not talking about how gorgeous you are… I'm talking about you as a person. You're amazing…" he saw her try to form a sentence but he stopped her. "…and don't you try to deny it, because you will never change my mind."

Kensi smiled, clearly embarrassed, almost blushing. As a reaction she lightly punched Deeks on his shoulder. "You're not that bad yourself, Marty Deeks!"

"Well, I am charming, no one can resist me!" He joked, finally relaxing, feeling like a heavy burden had been taken off of his chest. He felt lighter and for the first time in a long time, he had the feeling that things could only get better. He was aware that the path will still be very long, but at least he knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. There was still hope for him.

"Charming? Mmmm last time I checked, you were a bit out of practice with your charm! A bit rusty… I haven't seen a single girl fall at your feet since the moment I came here. Are you losing your touch?" Kensi winked playfully, finally relieved to see him smile and joke.

"Are you jealous, Kensalina? Because you were paying a lot of attention to how the girls look at me." He let his tongue play with his lips, waiting for her partner's witty remark.

"I was just checking to see if any of the girls wanted to kill you… or hurt you. You know how much I hate training another partner. It took me ages to domesticate you!"

"Oh touché!" he laughed out loud. "That hurts Kens!"

"Not as much as I'm going to hurt you if you go play some other stunts like the one you did yesterday!" Her expression turned serious for a moment, very serious.

"Oh really? I thought you enjoyed saving my life!" He leaned towards her, whispering in her ear "And I thought you enjoyed being on top of me. It's not the first time, Fern." He grinned mockingly. "I always suspected you like to be the one who guided the dances."

"Shut up Deeks!" Kensi wanted to hit him again, but he stopped her punch, grabbing her wrist, lowering it and moving closer to her. Dangerously closer.

His blue eyes were locked on hers as they stood still, unable to move, to say anything. Around them the time froze, nothing existed bedsides them. Their bodies were so close, their lips were just few inches away.

Deeks could smell his favorite scent, the one he always associated with her. _Sunshine and gunpowder_, he murmured, smiling.

"What did you just say?" She asked curiously, frowning. She could sense his warm breath on her, sending cold shivers down her back. She felt like a teenager who had her first crush.

"Sunshine and gunpowder," Deeks repeated a little louder.

She looked at him puzzled, narrowing her eyes.

"You asked me once what scent I associate with you. You smell like sunshine and gunpowder... two of my favorite things," he concluded, in a mellow tone.

A wave of deep affection, of love engulfed her, and it melted her heart. In his very Deeks-like way, he was telling her something very beautiful, something that every woman would like to hear. She felt honored and immensely happy. Bowing her head, she could only utter a simple "Thanks..."

The cop smiled sweetly, caressing her face with the back of his hand. "I am the one who needs to thank you..." He took a long breath, as if he wanted to shake himself. "...and I am going to show you how thankful I am by offering you dinner, whatever you want... but no more Korean, ok? No more Bulgogi..."

Kensi straightened herself up, understanding that the moment for confession was over... for now. She was good with it because she knew that they had to take things step-by-step, day by day. "What? Didn't you like my Bulgogi dance?" And with that, she started doing the same dance she did a couple of weeks ago; the first day he came back to work.

"Actually... you went a little bit out of line with that dance! Lets just say that you were carried away and it was embarrassing!" He made a horrified expression and his partner could only chuckle in response.

"I can... concede it to you, but I don't know... maybe you like the lasagna dance a little bit more?" She started moving sensually around him, her whole body dangerously pressed against him.

"Hot... definitely hot... Do you mind if I take a swim? You know the water is fresh... or perhaps I can throw you in the water, maybe..." a cunning smirk curved his lips as he attempted to grab her and pick her up.

"Deeks, don't you dare! I will make you walk home alone!" She threatened. "You don't look very fit for the long walk."

Deeks realized that she was right. He felt suddenly very tired. He had walked to the beach, mostly guided by desperation, but now, he could feel his legs and feet the hurt after the sleepless night and tough day at work. Reluctantly, he put her down. "Ok, you win... just give me a drive home so I can take a shower and change into something cleaner."

"Good move, because you stink!"

"I don't!"

"Oh yes you do! I bet that Monty can smell you from here!" She joked, happy to see her partner finally at ease, very close to the man she loved so much.

"Not fair, Kens, not fair! Come on, let's get going!" Deeks took her by the hand and started walking towards the parking lot, when Kensi stopped abruptly. "What, what's up?"

"You know what? I trust you... I want to believe you when you said it wasn't a death wish." She offered him the key to her motorcycle and watched his face light up from happiness.

"Really?" He asked. "You came here by bike? And isn't it a bit too dangerous? What would Hetty say if she found out?"

"Oh well, first she doesn't need to know. Second, I needed to come here as soon as I could and the traffic at this time of the day was simply awful and thirdly," she teased him, using the same word he used on her months ago. "It's the weekend," she said, like it gave her permission to do anything.

"I think you're building this up, but you know... I like it!" The cop grabbed the key and taking her by her hand again, he guided her towards the bike. He jumped on it, smiling like a kid, wearing the helmet. "So, are you coming Kensalina?"

"I am not going to regret this, am I?" She wondered dubiously.

"You have only to try." He offered her the spare helmet and helped her to sit behind him. "Ready to feel the wind on your face and through your hair?"

"Deeks, we're wearing helmets! I have already explained this!"

He turned to face her, his expression peaceful and satisfied, but his eyes were sweet and gentle. "Just hold on to me, close your eyes and enjoy the amazing experience."

As he turned to look at the road and started the engine, she leaned against his back, wrapping her arms around his waist. She closed her eyes, sighing heavily.

The bike started moving and immediately the wind caressed gently their faces, giving them a sense of peace, joy, and the normality they had missed for so long.

Kensi could feel the muscles of his back relax as she gently moved her hands up to his chest, feeling his heartbeat become steadier, like he was letting go all of his problems, all of his fears. In that moment she thought that she couldn't ask for more.

She was with a wonderful man, the man she loved, on a motorcycle, driving to the sunset...

Life was so worth living, it was a lesson they both learned. And no matter what was going to happen, they were going to cherish every single moment because when they were together, they were simply happy. They were whole.

The end.

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And that's it. I don't usually write tag to episodes because I think I'm not very good at them and the same goes for one shots. But this idea came to my mind talking to a friend on Twitter. If you liked this story, you have to thank her. If you didn't, it's all my fault :)


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